[Hikaru, very often, is not interested in discussing his own weaknesses. But it feels okay doing so with Zuko, even more than it does with Taichi. Which isn't a slight against Taichi when it only has to do with the fact that he knows Taichi relies so much on Hikaru's confidence. And Zuko, well, it's easy to be vulnerable with a boy who already saw him at his weakest moments.]
I just...I hurt people without really meaning to. I've done it to Taichi. I made him believe in the beginning I didn't think I could actually like him or how I walked away when he asked me out. Or when I yelled at him for inviting a friend to spend the night at his place. I never told you about that but it was our first fight. [Hikaru shrugs.] It just always feels like I'm one step away from really hurting him again, I guess.
[ Zuko listens, keeping his ruminative pose, but nods along at the last remark. ]
Mmn. I understand. I felt that way with Mai in the end. But... the people who really love you, will forgive you, I think. That's what I've learned. Hurting people without meaning to.
But that's the thing, right? They shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to keep hurting Taichi and him forgiving me. You heard Tono and Haruhi in the bubble, I'm selfish. I just don't really think about others. [And also, he can't see that he is very often thinking about others and trying his best.]
I don't want Taichi to have to forgive me or feel like he does because he thinks I'm the best he's going to get. [And if you ask Hikaru, Taichi could do better.]
So do better. Think about him more. I had the same realization with Azula— after Aang got here... We had a huge fight. And— I realized I don't think about her side of things enough... So— I wanna do better. I'm trying to treat her better. I just— get mad, though...
[ He sighs a little at that. He knows what Hikaru's talking about. He knows it's hard. Mai had to forgive a lot in Zuko in hindsight... and Zuko and Azula have forgiven each other for a lot more. But it's still tense. And growing tenser. ]
I feel like a jerk with Azula sometimes. I know I was with Mai sometimes, too. I wanna be better than this.
[ It's a very honest and transparent admission, though another one of these moments when somehow Azula keeps sneaking her way into conversations about romance and intimacy and all this realm. It makes sense, she's a woman, she's his sister, someone important in his life, they live together, they've got problems... But it's almost becoming a pattern, how she comes up like this. Especially when held against Mai. ]
[Why does Azula always come up? Hikaru cannot understand it at all. He understands why Mai does but what does Azula have to do with romance? But maybe this is how other siblings are. Hikaru has never had to worry about how treats Kaoru because they've always been close, much closer than your normal siblings or even twins. Maybe these concerns are how it is.]
I mean, I don't know about siblings? Kaoru and I aren't like other brothers but isn't it normal to fight? I think. [He has no idea and he cannot even pretend to understand how siblings are supposed to act.]
But Azula's not normal herself, either. She seems like the type to bring out the worst in people.
Pssh. Nothing about our family is normal. We're the least normal siblings.
[ He can't help but scoff, though it's sincere insight. He pauses, though, and the wry humor leaves his voice. ]
...You're right, though. She does. We understand each other better than anyone — but don't understand each other at all at the same time. I can't explain it. But it gets... tiresome.
[ Little does he know as soon as he leaves here, he'll find a very tiresome annoying joke post on the network by Azula that will make him furious, and all these conflicted words and thoughts raised with Hikaru will be lit, an explosive fight with Azula about Aurora to come in just a few hours... It's like he was almost prepped for it. ]
So then why put all the work in when you don't get it in return? Like that's what we're talking about, right? I worry about doing this to Taichi and you're worried if you would do the same for Aurora.
But aren't you doing that with Azula?
[From how Hikaru sees it, Zuko puts a lot of work into his relationship with Azula and yet she only takes and takes. But in all honesty, he is also not interested at all in knowing more about Azula. She's clearly dangerous and Hikaru values his life.]
[ That remark draws Zuko's eyes back to Hikaru, sitting up again, looking like some mental gear had turned inside... ]
...You're right. I'm always stressed I'm not doing enough to be a good— brother to her, and she's not stressing about the same. With Aurora... I can't imagine there'd be that much stress.
[ It's hard to follow his train of thought, ostensibly, but it's clear that this struck some kind of chord and was like an epiphany. Zuko continues, leaning forward, a certain airiness coming into his voice now. ]
You know I'm never mad around Aurora? I've never felt angry when I'm with Aurora even once. It's nice.
[ It's a sweet and genuine thing to say that points toward good things if he'd just get a move on. Hikaru knows how hard it is for Zuko to control his hot temper, so many things setting him off so easily, that it's really quite remarkable. ]
[This should really be setting off some bells for Hikaru because of course he wouldn't feel the same way around Aurora that he does with Azula, right? But Hikaru not understanding how siblings are supposed to act is doing a real disservice here. Sometimes it doesn't pay to have an unhealthy and codependent relationship with your twin, as shown here.]
Listen to yourself, Zuko. Aurora is practically perfect and you're over here, all concerned about Azula. Azula's got her issues and I mean, I know you told me there's reasons for it and how you want to help her and crap, but...why should that be all on you? They're her issues and just because you're family or whatever doesn't mean you have to put your own life on hold for her. She's got to help herself, too, right? Literally what we're talking about right now.
[ Every word rings true and it draws such an emotional expression over Zuko's face. Hearing someone else say these words is wild. ]
...You're right. I'm not even good at helping her. And— she needs to figure it out for herself. Like I did. I've always seen Azula as so capable, clever, perfect, and since being spirited away, I've realized... she's not. She can't work a normal job, won't make friends, can't clean or cook, resents this fall from grace far more than I do... But I don't want to shame her. She's also— a lot lonelier than I ever realized... I've come to learn so much about her, only to feel more and more distant from her. I— ...I can't keep shouldering that.
[ He leans forward and props himself up with his elbows on his knees, chin in his hands. ]
...She told me I put her in a mental asylum in the future. If that's true— ...I can't help her that much, me alone. I can't. I can't keep doing this with her. You're right. I can't help her as much as she needs. And it's hurting me to try. When I could be— putting that energy into growing closer to Aurora... enjoying myself.
[ It's a fair point. But still hard to connect the dots why exactly these are the scales he's using. At least he seems to be gaining some clarity, though. ]
If it's true. She's not exactly honest. [Hikaru has only talked to her once but even he had known she wasn't someone you could trust. That much had been obvious.]
But you shouldn't have to take care of her. Even as her brother, that's not your job. Take care of yourself and be happy with someone who can at least stand on their own two feet without blaming everything else for their problems. [Which is Aurora and Hikaru's just happy that Zuko seems to be understanding that he can be happier with Aurora, who he's been rooting for this entire time.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriously they have such similar icons sometimes lol
I just...I hurt people without really meaning to. I've done it to Taichi. I made him believe in the beginning I didn't think I could actually like him or how I walked away when he asked me out. Or when I yelled at him for inviting a friend to spend the night at his place. I never told you about that but it was our first fight. [Hikaru shrugs.] It just always feels like I'm one step away from really hurting him again, I guess.
lol keeping it up
Mmn. I understand. I felt that way with Mai in the end. But... the people who really love you, will forgive you, I think. That's what I've learned. Hurting people without meaning to.
still keeping it going
I don't want Taichi to have to forgive me or feel like he does because he thinks I'm the best he's going to get. [And if you ask Hikaru, Taichi could do better.]
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[ He sighs a little at that. He knows what Hikaru's talking about. He knows it's hard. Mai had to forgive a lot in Zuko in hindsight... and Zuko and Azula have forgiven each other for a lot more. But it's still tense. And growing tenser. ]
I feel like a jerk with Azula sometimes. I know I was with Mai sometimes, too. I wanna be better than this.
[ It's a very honest and transparent admission, though another one of these moments when somehow Azula keeps sneaking her way into conversations about romance and intimacy and all this realm. It makes sense, she's a woman, she's his sister, someone important in his life, they live together, they've got problems... But it's almost becoming a pattern, how she comes up like this. Especially when held against Mai. ]
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I mean, I don't know about siblings? Kaoru and I aren't like other brothers but isn't it normal to fight? I think. [He has no idea and he cannot even pretend to understand how siblings are supposed to act.]
But Azula's not normal herself, either. She seems like the type to bring out the worst in people.
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[ He can't help but scoff, though it's sincere insight. He pauses, though, and the wry humor leaves his voice. ]
...You're right, though. She does. We understand each other better than anyone — but don't understand each other at all at the same time. I can't explain it. But it gets... tiresome.
[ Little does he know as soon as he leaves here, he'll find a very tiresome annoying joke post on the network by Azula that will make him furious, and all these conflicted words and thoughts raised with Hikaru will be lit, an explosive fight with Azula about Aurora to come in just a few hours... It's like he was almost prepped for it. ]
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But aren't you doing that with Azula?
[From how Hikaru sees it, Zuko puts a lot of work into his relationship with Azula and yet she only takes and takes. But in all honesty, he is also not interested at all in knowing more about Azula. She's clearly dangerous and Hikaru values his life.]
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...You're right. I'm always stressed I'm not doing enough to be a good— brother to her, and she's not stressing about the same. With Aurora... I can't imagine there'd be that much stress.
[ It's hard to follow his train of thought, ostensibly, but it's clear that this struck some kind of chord and was like an epiphany. Zuko continues, leaning forward, a certain airiness coming into his voice now. ]
You know I'm never mad around Aurora? I've never felt angry when I'm with Aurora even once. It's nice.
[ It's a sweet and genuine thing to say that points toward good things if he'd just get a move on. Hikaru knows how hard it is for Zuko to control his hot temper, so many things setting him off so easily, that it's really quite remarkable. ]
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Listen to yourself, Zuko. Aurora is practically perfect and you're over here, all concerned about Azula. Azula's got her issues and I mean, I know you told me there's reasons for it and how you want to help her and crap, but...why should that be all on you? They're her issues and just because you're family or whatever doesn't mean you have to put your own life on hold for her. She's got to help herself, too, right? Literally what we're talking about right now.
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...You're right. I'm not even good at helping her. And— she needs to figure it out for herself. Like I did. I've always seen Azula as so capable, clever, perfect, and since being spirited away, I've realized... she's not. She can't work a normal job, won't make friends, can't clean or cook, resents this fall from grace far more than I do... But I don't want to shame her. She's also— a lot lonelier than I ever realized... I've come to learn so much about her, only to feel more and more distant from her. I— ...I can't keep shouldering that.
[ He leans forward and props himself up with his elbows on his knees, chin in his hands. ]
...She told me I put her in a mental asylum in the future. If that's true— ...I can't help her that much, me alone. I can't. I can't keep doing this with her. You're right. I can't help her as much as she needs. And it's hurting me to try. When I could be— putting that energy into growing closer to Aurora... enjoying myself.
[ It's a fair point. But still hard to connect the dots why exactly these are the scales he's using. At least he seems to be gaining some clarity, though. ]
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But you shouldn't have to take care of her. Even as her brother, that's not your job. Take care of yourself and be happy with someone who can at least stand on their own two feet without blaming everything else for their problems. [Which is Aurora and Hikaru's just happy that Zuko seems to be understanding that he can be happier with Aurora, who he's been rooting for this entire time.]
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[ He takes a deep sigh, and straightens up at last, shooting Hikaru an indiscernible yet obviously meaningful look. ]
...Thanks, Hikaru.